Bridesmaids — MyDreamWedding.ca “Ask The Expert” Answer

Hi Andrea,

 

Family issues are the hardest things to deal with at wedding time.  Communication is the key. 

 

Without knowing the personalities involved, it is difficult to be really specific, but there are basic communication skills that can be applied.

 

The first thing is to do this privately, just the two of you.  Invite her out to lunch, or for coffee in a public place.  This is important as she is less likely to make a scene in a public place. 

 

Then you need to talk about how you are all going to be one big family, and you hope that you can become friends too.  Now this may be difficult if you are angry, but look at the big picture of many years in the same family as her—all the family occassions, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.  Talk or joke about that.  You really don’t need to have animosity when you can have friendship or at least mutual respect.  You need to communicate that you hope to be part of one big happy family, and ask her if she feels the same way.  I can’t imagine she would say no.

 

Then you need to express your disappointment that she is using the same colours for her wedding that you chose.  Obviously, you were planning your wedding first?  You can ask her (with the sincerity of trying to understand) "why don’t you want your own unique wedding colours?"   Talk to her about how her wedding should express her own personality and the personality of her fiance. 

 

Chances are if she is being vocal about taking your colours, she may be feeling insecure about planning her wedding, and maybe thinks that by copying you she won’t do the "wrong thing".  She just may be overwhelmed by the whole planning process.  Try to think of why she would choose the same colours.  You know her personality better than I, but most people copy when they are unsure and insecure about their own choices. 

 

By befriending her, and offering to share planning tips and details, you may make a true friend of her as well as help her to do something that is uniquely her own.  AND, you can help her plan her colours that are more suited to her complexion/colouring, or her style, or her personality.  Maybe suggest a colour that is "her".  "You know that <colour> blouse you have?  That colour is so perfect for you–you look so good in it.  I would think you would want a colour like that for your wedding."

 

To resolve conflict, it needs to be a win-win situation.  You need to be clear about how her actions have made you feel, without being accusatory or mean.  You need to ask her to choose her own colours.  Offer to help her.   Maybe her own maid of honour and bridesmaids would help her plan her wedding. 

 

If you have a book or a website that has been helpful for you in planning your wedding, share it with her. 

 

There are no guarantees, and a lot depends upon her ability to feel good about her decision to change her colours.  A lot depends upon your own ability not to communicate your anger.  You need to be emotionally clear yourself when speaking with her.  Remain calm even if she acts up.  Just look at her and don’t respond to accusations or whatever she might bring up.

 

When communicating, she may try to "throw you off track" with accusations and such.  Just stop.  Look at her.  Breathe.  And then IGNORE WHAT SHE SAID, and go back to YOUR point, which is that you are asking her to choose her own colours for her wedding.  This is a basic communication tactic and requires that you not get emotionally involved in whatever she is throwing at you.

 

Try to keep things friendly and helpful instead of aggressive or threatening. 

 

If she is considering changing her colours, ask her:  So, what is your favourite colour?  You could respond:  "Oh, that colour has so many beautiful shades.  What shade do you like best?"  Draw her out and help her find her favourite colour if you can.  Help her to feel good about changing her wedding colour.

 

Tell her that this conversation is "private—between you and me only". 

 

Don’t talk or gossip with the wedding party about this, as it will negatively affect the relationship she has with the rest of the bridal party.  If they ask you about it, just say nothing, or that you have dealt with it, or that you don’t want to talk about it just now.  This is especially important if she changes her colours.  If others talk about her new colour scheme to her, be supportive and friendly.  She will be grateful that you are helping her explain her change without negative comments. 

 

Communication is difficult, and conflict resolution even more so–especially as our emotions are involved. 

 

The above steps are basic communication tactics.  Adapt them to your personality and her personality.  Don’t TELL her what to do.  Make suggestions.  Ask her what she thinks.  Work on it together. 

 

I suggest that you "practise" your meeting with her in your head.  Sit quietly somewhere, and imagine the whole meeting.  Be honest.  Be caring.  Be supportive.  Be firm in your resolve to have your colours for your wedding.  In your head, run through the conversations.   See if she "answers" any of your questions.  Take your time and answer them.  Athletes use this method when preparing for an event.  By using this method, you work through your emotions so you can be calm and clear when you actually meet with her. 

 

Your  level of clarity will directly impact the outcome of your meeting with her. 

 

Best of luck, and I wish you a fabulous wedding and many years of happiness.

 

Angela Fiebelkorn